Its hard to modulate ones emotional state and the pursuit of bringing yourself out of a traumatic experience is a process. Learning how to reduce friction with others can go along way towards correcting the state of affairs in your life and compartmentalizing your emotions is very much a healthy thing to do, because after all, trauma is trauma and the last thing we want to do is rationalize and justify the spread of trauma from ourselves to others

When I was young, the psychological abuse was extensive. So extensive, it has followed me far into my adulthood where I found the only possible solution to my problems was through meditation and strict moderation of pharmaceutical application. Throughout my life, I've been searching how to fill a hole in my life and about a decade ago is when I found the answer.. and it wasn't easy. Resolution for my own emotional state was in constant flux and I figured out internally that my memories were disjointed and lacked continuity

I had convinced myself I was unworthy and I was okay with that because I didn't have any immediate goals I wanted to achieve in life. Being content with myself and the best version of myself and just being a good person to people was good enough for me. Over time I found myself gravitating towards writing Software and interpreting the concepts into an ideology. In more personal aspects of my life, I gravitated towards buddhism. Picking all the best parts of it and non of the bad parts of it. My mind, exhausted from involuntary suffering; I latched on to Cognitive Dissonance and would immediately forgive myself and think nothing of the consequences because all humans, regardless of emotional state, have bad habits. I would later learn to recognize this as autistic masking. What I didn't realize, is my feelings of unworthiness were unconsciously influencing my decision making to where I allowed someone into my life and pushed my boundaries to a point where I could recede into myself and exist, but I couldn't develop friendships as a result of it. To prevent myself from doing anything wrong, I became an isolationist.

I eventually told myself I had been taught all the bad things in life because I was autistic, and different, and all the feels which came with it. My privilege allowed me to get through most of my life without ruffling feathers.. still, it bothered me. I considered myself a friend to everyone and I couldn't figure out how to be friendly with anyone and so I turned my involuntary suffering into voluntary suffering and opened my eyes, ears, and mind to listen to every single person who crossed my path. A gate in my mind and sorted information relative to how I really felt rather than how I was taught to feel.. and without even knowing what autistic masking was, I was already circumventing autistic masking within myself and learning the basics of mindfulness

From an early age, I could see my words caused suffering for others and those observations contributed to my non-verbalism. Having been taught such a mess-of-a-lexicon while growing up and not knowing the repercussions of using such a messy lexicon. People often categorized me in the most heinous category and I would not notice it because it seemed normal to me. My thoughts remained unregulated and forgiving and I simply reserved to keep to myself out of silent protest

Software engineering turned into my haven as the emotional information that often comes along with words were never present in documentation or programs and I began to read open source code in droves. For the first time since playing video games, I performed actions and developed the ability to theorize and learn through trial and error and I, like most other privileged men with lingering emotional damage, developed survivorship bias and built a glass house on top of that foundation

There is a sense of foundership which comes along with software engineering. It is a humiliative experience and turns individuals from learning history into recreating history through the application of developing software. It incorporates first learning and then directly applying that knowledge, we read documentation and develop a program to preform a particular action computation.. and thats it. That's all it should be.. however with the lingering emotional damage, its easy to self-medicate using software engineering and develop an ideology without considering the consequences of what it really means to burn down preexisting software infrastructure

We develop software to accomplish a specific goal we have imagined. Either to learn more about it or to automate it. The process is the same. We think about it and we create it. Most of the creative effort relies in developing the program and less in developing the idea and that is, in my opinion, a seed for confirmation bias. We don't call it that, but the behavior we performed writing software can be easily transplaced into accepting confirmation bias and when we get used to that pattern and tell ourselves its good, we fail to compartmentalize it and begin looking for that patterning using our neural net

When that feel-good feeling of foundership jumps from the domain developing software into the domain of molding society & recreating policy, it starts edging on pre-existing history already learned from mistakes past. Foundership often without temperance is often tyranny without limits and the kind of governance which is occurring in the United States at this time is celebrating all the [wrong things]. The core difference between the Biden administration and the Trump administration joint sessions of Congress is that the Biden administration focused on progressive topics. While the Trump administration focused on claiming there was a peace agreement for the war between Ukraine & Russia; when there really wasn't any diplomacy established between our two countries.

If we forget our past failures and don't allow ourselves to think and learn from those failures, the pattern we've identified as good can be transplaced from tool building into society building and we have to relearn all those hard lessons again and if we're not paying attention, we could start suffering without realizing it.

It's not that far of a jump into believing a natural social hierarchy is a good thing

It should have been Bernie Sanders VS John McCain in 2016 or Kamala Harris VS Sarah Palin in 2024 in my opinion. Both sides need to improve their playbooks. When AOC becomes a presidential candidate, the republicans will need to find someone in her weight class to compete.